Part One: The Birthing

Imagine, if you will, what a day in your life is like. Let us say, for example, you get up, maybe shower, put on your clothes, go to work, eat a lunch, come home, watch television, and then go to bed only to start all over again the following day. So, it is pretty much, give or take a few variables, what doctors call 'a routine'.

Now, with the illustration painted above, one could assume that if one were to be induced into labor on the second of September, then all would be well, and everything would go according to plan. But, since this is Rachel and Adam we're talking about here, nothing is supposed to go along with any sort of plan whatsoever, and one can almost always bet on wacky, wacky shenanigans ensuing.

And, ensue they did.

Let us begin on an unnecessarily bright and sweaty Tuesday morning, via August 26, 2008. Adam had just returned home from a long night of stocking shelves and trying to maintain any scrap of dignity, and was settling into a slumber with a nice gin and tonic. With sleep only minutes upon him, he was roused by a kind of screaming noise that should not be confused with a yelp or a shout, followed by moaning, and then guttural twitching. Adam, eyelids barely touched by sleep, turned over to watch Rachel achieve what scientists like to call the 'cat puking a hairball position', in which she was yelping about back pain. Adam offers a kind word, and then rolls over. Now, before you are to judge Adam, note that this is pretty much more or less the way he has been waking up for the past couple of months, and the moans/groans/pains/complaints have become a part of the Adam and Rachel routine.

Rachel was getting dressed to go out with her father and Starla. Adam was sleeping until he had to go to work. They kissed, she left, he slept, maybe showered, and went to work.

However, before maybe showering, Adam had received a phone call from Terry VanWinkle (in no way related to Rip, but in every way related to Vanilla Ice) stating that he was taking his daughter to the hospital because she was in labor. Adam scoffed because he could hear Rachel and Starla calling out to Adam in the background insisting it was a practical joke. A second phone message followed stating what Adam had already come to expect. It was, a joke.

Don't worry. That bastard universe is about to get the last laugh.

As Adam was in the midst of reading a riveting article about sports mascots and the crimes that they commit (you'd actually be surprised at how many commit sexual harassment, so keep that in mind next time you want your little Sally or Billy hugging the Chicago Bull's Mascot), none other than Terry VanWinkle and crew walked through the doors of the wine establishment exclaiming that they were taking Rachel to the hospital, she's in labor.

Adam laughed it off. They stood in seriousness. The following is an excerpt from actual dialogue that may or may not have actually happened:

ADAM: Very funny.

TERRY VANWINKLE: No, really, she puked before she ate lunch.

ADAM: I'm not falling for that one this time.(Shakes finger at Terry)

TERRY VANWINKLE: No, really, you idiot, her water broke.

ADAM: I'll get my things.

As they rushed off to the hospital, Adam made the necessary calls to mothers, and began cleaning the store. Incessantly. Because he was so nervous. All Adam could think was, "Holy crap! It's coming! I'm going to be a dad in real life!" and "Why couldn't the little bastard popped out while I was at Target?!"

Luckily, Adam's boss is a super nice guy, and came in and covered while Adam went home, maybe showered, changed, cleaned up the room, and drove straight to the hospital.

It is at this point in the story that it should be noted that Rachel had been hoping to go into labor on August 2 or before. Of course, she wasn't going to, but she hoped. And, so every Friday she would go to her doctor hoping she would be induced, and every Friday the doctor would say, nope, one more week. At this point, the protagonists had given up and settled into the fact that they were going to deliver on the 2nd.

But, again, the universe just kicked it's massive feet up on some massive galactic desk, and laughed, all the while smoking a massive cigar made up of one thousand suns.

At the hospital, Rachel was pumped and ready to deliver. With her hair nicely done, and a smile on her face, she checked all of the machines and they were all saying that she was having contractions. 'Yay', she thought. 'This isn't so bad. I'll be out of here in no time.

Cut to 16 hours later.

Yeah, that's right. 16 bloody, godforsaken hours later.

Now, for the sake of the reader to get the full experience, here is a list of events leading up to the birth.

7:30pm. Family begins to arrive. Happiness reigns supreme. Bets are taken on when she will deliver. The earliest bet is midnight. My bet (and the right one) was around 6am.

8:15pm. Labor begins to hurt. Scratch that, really hurt. Rachel needs drugs. Adam goes for tacos.

9:00pm. Too much family have arrived. Rachel more or less has a nervous breakdown while trying to pee. Family are asked to wait in the waiting room. The contractions keep coming.

9:03pm. The nurse allows Rachel to finally have a bed pan, yet, because of the pain, and the fact that she actually can't go to the bathroom, she denies the bedpan.

Final Tally:
Adam - 1.
Bedpan - 0.

10:09pm. Due to the amount of drugs in Rachel's system, she begins having a discussion with the first nurse about going to Six Flags over the weekend.

10:11pm. Adam must overcome his fear of public toilets, due to the aforementioned tacos.

10:52pm. Upon the first nurse leaving, Rachel declares loudly to her that she should go to Six Flags, leaving the bystanders in the room speechless.

11:30pm. Dr. 'DeathCharge' Bethel (wouldn't that be a great band name?) is called and is informed that Rachel is still dilated at 1 centimeter.

11:42pm. The epidural is issued. Rachel loses feeling in the right side of her body only. She begins to itch. Adam begins to scratch that itch with the comb he combs his beard with.

12:01am. A call is put out to Krista and Joel on their arrival time.

12:10am. Joel calls a drug addled Rachel back to tell her the following joke:

Joke: What do fat people and brick walls have in common?
Punchline: Mexicans lay them both.

12:30am. Nana and the Dude arrive. Nana informs Adam that Rachel will probably have a C-Section.

2:15am. Joel and Krista arrive. Standing over a practically comatose Rachel, Joel tells another joke.

Joke:Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories.

One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day." The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"

"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."

The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

2:16am - 7:00am. People get sleepy, and find weird places to sleep. Joel is sent home for acting up.

7:00am. The dreaded nurse Brandy (like the song) shows up, pisses off Rachel, rest of the natural world (Adam).

7:10am. Dr. 'DeathCharge' Bethel shows up and declares a C-Section. Rachel begins to panic. Everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) gathers around to comfort Rachel. Rachel's two irrational fears (1. Premonition that she is going to die at the age of 25. 2. Fear of death during childbirth.) begin to take hold. The following equation is formed:

C-Section + Sleep Deprived Family Members x Multiple Fears of Death = A Batshit Crazy Way to Spend 7:10 in the Morning.

7:15am. Over sized clown/thug scrubs are brought in for Adam. The women comment on how sexy Adam is in the scrubs. Adam takes the comment to heart, and spends the next hour pretending to be George Clooney.

7:17am. The anesthesiologist is brought in. Adam decides that he's going to now be George Clooney, the Anaesthesiologist.

7:20am. Rachel gets her junk shaved. People (but not all people?) disperse.

7:28am. Rachel is shaved, prepped, and wheeled into surgery.

7:35am. Surgery begins. The following conversation takes place in a three minute time span:

RACHEL: I'm scared.

ADAM: Everything will be fine. I'm here.

RACHEL: Quick, start listing off different kinds of food that I can now eat.

ADAM: Buffalo wings with ranch, carrot sticks with ranch, pizza dipped in ranch...

RACHEL: Now list alcoholic drinks I can now have!

ADAM: A vodka gimlet, margarita, Kettle One, Slurpees with run in it...

RACHEL: (aside) The doctors are going to think I'm an alcoholic! (mild panic)

ADAM: That's okay, I'm sure they hear it all the time.

RACHEL: NOW LIST CAKE!

ADAM: Uh, red velvet, chocolate, vanilla, german chocolate, red vel...

SAM: WAAAAAAHHHHH!

RACHEL and ADAM: WHA??!!

7:38am. Sam arrives.

After that, it was smooth sailing. Sam was born into the world at 6.6 pounds, 18.5 inches, with a giant pair of balls and a penis that was attached to itself. Yes. Sam was born with fucked up junk. But, it is actually more common than one would think, and a surgery at six months will make everything normal.

The only catch is that Sam will be European for a while.

And, now ladies and gents, I would like to introduce you to our son Sam.


(Pictured Above: Pure Awesomeness)

Stay tuned next week for part two in our 'Birth of Awesome' series, which will bring back such audience favorites as 'Doped Up Rachel','Adam as George Clooney, The Nurse', and the duo of 'Background Grandmas'.

End blog.