DISCLAIMER: It has been a week since the last segment, and about two weeks since the beginning of the afterbirthing, and due to lack of sleep, the following passage entitled Part Deux: The Afterbirthing might be a little sketchy. But, please keep in mind that though all of the details might not be there, or in order, they did, for reals, happen. For reals.
Edmund Samuel Martin I (the future King of France) arrived very early in the morning on August 27th and leapt into the arms of Adam (still dressed as Dr. George Clooney, PhD/MD/DDS), all the while Rachel tried to recover on the operating table. Whilst upon such table, Rachel asked the anaesthesiologist how he enjoyed his work. She was prodding for information for Adam, because 1) Adam looks good in scrubs, 2) Hospitals don't freak Adam out, and 3) Needs a job that doesn't make his soul die a little. With her new found information, Rachel proceeded to pass out, now whether she passed out from exhaustion or awe inducing medication is still up in the air.
Adam was allowed to wheel the Future King of France down the hallway to the mass of relatives waiting, whereupon they all 'Ooohed' and 'Awwwed', whilst revelling in Sam's ridiculously enlarged testicles (and also, because he was new and cute, kind of like a shiny new car with a ridiculously large steering wheel). Ten minutes into the viewing, a bystander from the group began to ask, "Where's Rachel?". Oh, yes. That Rachel. She recovered just fine and was okay, if not still unconscious.
After a while, the LARGE amount of family kind of milled off, only to return to Rachel's room to check on her. Due to the volume of people, they were only allowed in two at a time, a rule that was quickly broken.
Several things began to happen to Rachel throughout the day, that are not unlike someone like, oh say, Bruce Banner might go through before changing into the Incredible Hulk.
We'll go ahead and start with size. During Rachel's pregnancy, she didn't gain a lot of baby weight. She gained enough to support the baby, and round out the tummy a little bit, but nothing too spectacular... until the afterbirthing. After Sam popped his way out, Rachel began to swell, particularly in the facial and leg regions, not unlike the Incredible Hulk. This was due to her pain medication (not radiation).
Because of the increased swelling and discomfort, her demeanor was effected as well. Since Rachel had a C-Section, she was not able to produce engough milk at the outset, nor was she able to latch Sam to her zipple in a timely fashion, thus resulting in Sam taking formula from a bottle, which began to make her peeved. Add to this the constant stream of people (family, nurses, doctors, photographers & smoking consultants ((more on those last two in a moment) and Rachel trying to entertain guests, the following phrases began to come out of her mouth:
"RACHEL MAD!" and "RACHEL SMASH!"
And, with the swelling and the language down, there is only one thing left. Yes. You guessed it. The Hulk/Rachel's constant need to be topless.
(Above: Rachel post birth)
Again, Rachel was a different person before the birth of Sam. Before, she was modest, and would never think of exposing herself in public. But, when that baby flew out, so did all sense of public decency. Much to Adam's suprise, Rachel had lost all will to conceal herself, thus constantly exposing her breasts to friends, family, and whoever else happened to walk into the room at the time. Adam noted that the most interesting incident occurred when Rachel was trying to breastfeed Sam, and three nurses, not associated with the breast feeding consultant, came in at the same time, and they began to have a three minute conversation, in which, yes, Rachel had totally Hulked out in the nudity sense. So, to sum it up:
Decency: 0
Adam: 1
Rachel's stay in the hospital lasted four days, and during that time, due to constant interruptions from nurses (*cough* family), Rachel basically stayed up all four days, with maybe a total number of ten hours of sleep during her entire hospital stay. And, because of her delerium, she was not always able to understand what was going on.
Enter, the smoking consultant.
Before Rachel new she was pregnant, she used to smoke. And, the day she found out, she quit, naturally. However, on her form for her first doctor's visit, she checked a little box that stated that she had previously been a smoker or "HAVE YOU SMOKED IN THE PAST?". Well, yes. She had. And this one little box of information just so happened to be the only piece of information that followed Rachel and Adam from California. Oh, beuracratic American Healthcare System, you had me at hello.
At maybe eight in the morning, whilst Rachel was pretty drugged up and fancy free (high), a middle aged woman with a very stern expression entered and asked if this was an appropriate time to talk about a serious issue. Before Rachel could answer, the dour women excused herself and said she would come back at a different time. Rachel called out, "Mklkajsdfikelelel" (Translation: No. Hold on, mam. You may speak openly in these quarters.), and the woman turned. She moved in close, and asked if he (Adam) was family. Before Rachel could reply, the woman had produced some pamphlets and began her lecture on how hard it is to quit smoking, but that she could do it, and that she would be better for it. To which Rachel replied, "LKJLK mmm LKSpopop" (Translation: But, mam, I quit as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I'm over smoking. Pop Pop.).
This suprised the smoking consultant, and she then said, "Well, keep at it. And, I know it is hard to quit, so if you need support, here is my card, you can reach me whenever you need counseling."
Then she left, and Rachel and Adam both exclaimed, "WLKJLKGILMLKJD??!" (Translation: WLKJLKGILMLKJD??!).
We will now turn to a character who is more well known than the smoking consultant, but still a mystery to many. This mysterious creature moves quickly, appearing only to the females of the human species, slips into the room, and in an orgy of light, digitalization, and signatures, steals the image of your child, and sells it back to the mother at a bargain price of $9.99 for a dozen. Yes. This elusive creature is known by scientists as 'The Baby Photographer', but known to conspiracy theororists merely as TBP.
TBP arrived early in the morning, after the departure of the males of the human species. TBP swept in while the nurses were working on a sedated (again, high) Rachel, and approached the newborn with its weapons drawn, and began to introduce itself. After explaining to the mother what it does, TBP begins to *shudder* pose the new born by using the vocal weapons of 'Tssking' and 'ChhChhChh', very similar to the sounds Ceasar Milan uses on 'The Dog Whisperer'. After training the baby into a *shudder* pose, TBP begins to photograph and generate a proof sheet for the mother to see. The point of the proof sheet is for the drug addled mother to agree to pictures of the newborn to be purchased (thus, the reason it evades the males of the species), and send it to the one family member that was not actually in 'Part One: The Birthing'.
Now, chronicling the life of a child is very important, but if you will refer to the following link: http://adamandrachelsincrediblebaby.blogspot.com , you will realize the author's problem with posing babies. Yes. It is weird, and strange, and any baby that comes out of a flower (Anne Geddes, I'm looking in your general direction) or is posed in a Sears catalouge, will have serious issues when they are older. They may be cute, but they are now scarred, for they have *shudder* posed, against their little tiny will, for their first picture, and will always be remembered as... That Flower Baby.
Oh, yeah, and also, why pay for pictures when you can go to their website and just download the picture and get that one guy that you know who knows how to use photoshop and take the letters off of the baby's face. Yes, people might think it looks strange, but really, is it stranger than being naked in a flower?
I thought so.
This birthing process has been littered with colorful characters, but none more colorful, or more of the devil, than the lamb in the post birthing video.
On the final day in the hospital, in preparation for you and the baby's first day at home, the nurses will ask you to watch a video about SIDS, and taking care of the baby, etch. Simple enough, right?
Wrong.
The nurses pop in this video, and all seems well. There is a mother, and a new baby, and she's a little confused. She's staring down into the crib, looking at her bundle of joy, but begins to get nervous. What is she to do now that she's home? How will she take care of it.
Enter: The Devil Lamb.
In the crib, there lies a little white lamb. And, because this lamb has been placed in the crib, and it a post birthing no-no, through the satanic power of early nineties CGI, it emerges and begins to give the woman advice. Rather than run (because the Devil Lamb has used it's hypnotic powers to paralyze her with fear), the woman heeds it's advice on how to raise a child and make sure it doesn't die. And, the creepiest part of it all... the woman does it with a smile. That's just how tricky the Devil Lamb is. He may be soft and white and poorly animated, but leave him in that crib, and that baby is as good as toast.
Needless to say, Adam couldn't stop laughing, and Rachel had to close her eyes to watch listen to the film, for fear of popping out her stitches.
If you can survive the Devil Lamb, you can take your baby home. That is the final test of being a mother.
And, so we did. And, when we got home, much like the end of 'Poltergeist' where they wheeled out their television, we got rid of every damn lamb we had.
Thus the afterbirthing has been completed, and new adventures lay ahead for Rachel, Adam, and now, the Future King of France, Sam.
Will Sam be king? Will Rachel ever recover from the afterbirthing? Will Adam ever take off the George Clooney scrubs?
Tune in next week (probably sooner) to find out.
(Insert climactic music here)
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