Funny Games and Kevin Nealon

Today. Today is the first day that I have fully realized that I'm going to be a father in almost three months. And, it hit me where it hits a lot of other budding fathers... alone, in the baby aisle at Target... while saying, "Jesus Christ, I hope my kid isn't as ugly as that one on the box." Because, man... there are a lot of ugly babies. A lot. And, they're on advertisements. I don't understand this. In every other way, advertising in print, television, and film requires people to be up to the public standard of beauty, but apparently, some babies fell off the radar (not to mention through the ugly tree when the stork dropped them on their heads).

I suppose people are under the impression that all babies are beautiful. This, sad to say, is not so.

Per example:

This glassy eyed lass seems to have abandoned all hope in humanity while posing for the camera.


He may be a little whippersnapper now, but binge drinking and the old addage, "Would you like fries with that?" are all that's in store for this tot's future.


And, finally, this little tyke, well. Someone posed him. Posed him for a life of mediocrity, and a penchant for JC Penny.


Now, I suppose in a way these babies are cute. But, let me ask you: Are you smiling because they bring that smile to your face for being babies, or because you know that when they walk, they'll probably have a tendency to walk into things?

I rest my case.

Now, I used to think that all babies were beautiful, too. Rachel said that it wasn't true. And, with the scientific evidence illustrated above, I'm prone to agree with her. Which only means, that we're going to have an ugly baby.

Which brings me to my next point:

Point No. 2: I'd rather have an ugly baby than this kid:



His name is Devon Gearhart, but for the purposes of this article, I will call him by his character name from 'Funny Games', George Jr.

Here's a brief synopsis of 'Funny Games': Two rich white kids terrorize an affluent couple and their son in the Hamptons for no real reason.

Now, I'm sure the kid is all well and good in real life, but in the movie... well... he basically gets his parents killed due to his inability to seek help. Here he is, a sprightly young boy, and what does he do when he escapes? Yes, that's right. Rather than use a phone at the neighbor's house, he decides to hide behind the side of the neighbor's piano. Never once does he yell, "Stranger danger!", but instead climbs the stairs and hides behind the side of a piano in the neighbor's house! If this were my child, I would have told/taught them to run, seek help. He didn't even hide in a closet. Who doesn't hide in a closet? I hide in a closet when psychos/Rachel are chasing me! Isn't it human nature to hide where you can't be found? He could have at least tried to hide under the piano, or put a blanket over himself, but, this kid, no.

Granted, this movie is really about how Americans can be spoiled cowards who do not know real fear, but still, it brought to mind how I want to raise my child. And, that is with a sprinkle of common and a dash of sense.

Now I suppose that this means that not only will I have an ugly baby, but a nonsensical ugly baby as well.

On the bright side, at least our ugly, nonsensical baby will be covered by SoonerCare. That's right, folks. Free baby. The one good thing the government has ever done for us. And, in less than a week, we will know the sex. So, start placing bets, and remember to cut me in on 10% of the action. The general consensus is that it is going to be a girl. But, I'm still holding out for a boy, simply to see the look of shock/awe/dissapointment/whatthefuck on Rachel's face when it turns out to be an ugly, nonsensical baby of the not so fairer sex. I write this out of love because I'm curious (as a scientist, mind you) to see how Rachel can handle two of me.

In other news, I did end up getting two jobs. Granted the two jobs don't even equal one job in pay, but I suppose that will go with the lifestyle of having an ugly nonsensical male baby. Welfare is step number three in the job spectrum, and thinking about it, maybe that's where I want to be in the first place, because according to the interweb, ugly babies are models. And, who's heard of a model on welfare?!

Point match.

Final scientific equation:

Baby + Huggies Contract = Unfortunate.

Baby + Welfare = Unfortunately poor yet beautiful baby.

Final note:

Read this:



Finally. Someone who understands.

End blog.