When we last left the happy couple, they were looking forward to moving back to the middle of nowhere America, Oklahoma. Well, guess what?! We're here! Well, actually we've been here for almost one month.
To recap:
We left a week earlier than expected because (according to our family accountant... i.e. Adam) it would have been more expensive to stay one more week, than it would be to leave the next day. So, that's exactly what we did. Adam called in sick, then picked up his work items at ten o'clock that night, and slipped out into the night.
The happy couple left their furniture and packed what they could into two cars, plus a pink bike crudely yet effectively roped to the top of Adam's car, and set out for Oklahoma. The long drive was split up into three days that consisted of beautiful scenery, 1,000 mph winds, a failed detour to the Grand Canyon (who knew it cost $24 to see something that will be there after everyone is dead (by the by, that's when I'll see it! So, suck on that park rangers!!)), and the breathe easy feeling of falling gas prices.
Arriving in Oklahoma, we took a day to rest and celebrate our journey halfway across the country, and when the day was done, we quietly slipped into an overwhelming depression of "What the hell do we do now?" and "I HAVE TO GET THREE JOBS?!", all the while thinking, "It really sure is nice not to have to pay $6.00 to park in a parking garage and walk three blocks to eat at Chilis."
But, to our amazement, Rachel landed a job within three days of being here. Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce to you the highest paid Charlestons hostess in the world, raking in a whopping $9 a hour, Rachel VanWinkle.
Thus, leaving Adam thinking, "I HAVE TO GET THREE JOBS?!".
In the midst of finidng employment, the couple became addicted to 'The Sopranos' and Adam has taken to expressing himself in a slightly racist Italian accent, accentuated by tough hand gestures and a 43% increase in conversational pelvic thrusting, and a chronic DeNiro face:
To take their minds off of their new financial situation and friends (I'd like to give a shout out to the creditors that have been calling excessively, HOLLA!), Rachel and Adam took a weekend trip to Texas to celebrate his 25th birthday, and see Rachel's sister graduate.
Here's a quick photographic recap:
But, most importantly, Adam rekindled with his soulmate Joel.
After a great weekend, the sleepy couple drove back to Oklahoma in the middle of the night, only to wake up next morning to cold sweats and Adam screaming, "I HAVE TO GET THREE JOBS!?"
Luckily, oppertnity knocked vigorously, and after three hours of being briefly employed as a server at Macaroni Grill, Rachel called in a favor from a guy who knows a guy who owes her some money or she'll break some knee caps, and got Adam hired as a server at the same Charlestons that pays Rachel VanWinkle, The Highest Paid Charlestons Hostess in the World. Thus, Adam's mind was content in saying, "Whew. One job down."
It is at this point in the blog that it is necessary to point out that two qualified people found decent work within one week of moving, where as in California, it took over four months for three very qualified people to find essentially the same work they could do anywhere else in the world. Just another reason why California is like a disease in Paris Hilton. You can get in and settle down, only to remain dormant, struggling against all the other diseases working in her body, until you find it just too crowded and disgusting, that you'd rather leave in a stream of bloody urine than idley incubate there any longer.
That, and all the other diseases have a lot of money. So, equate that somewhere in the above analogy.
Oklahoma, so far, has been really good to the travellers. They have a cozy little room, everything is a lot cheaper, and they were both immediately employed. The only hiccup in this plan comes in the form of something cute and fuzzy.
That would be Cash. Cash looks adorable, and he has a sweet nature. But, he also yaps. At everything.
Uh, what was that? A butterfly?
YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP!
Oh, Cash, that's only a tree moving in the breeze.
YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP!
Yapping is all right, unless it is recurrent (all the god damned time) and in the morning (every god damned morning).
Some say he is mischevious and curious. Others... the devil. Only time will tell.
In baby news, Rachel's tummy is becoming more rotund by the day, so much so, that she is having trouble fitting into booths, and needs assistance whilst reaching down for something. This, in turn, is a great discovery for Adam, for she is not as agile as she once was, thus making Adam's prank pulling all the more satisfying.
The ultrasound is in the midst of being scheduled, while Rachel battles it out with the state of Oklahoma and the Federal Government to show them that she can be on Sooner Care and still have Blue Cross Blue Shield.
A tidbit of information for those thinking of having a baby:
1. Do not get married unitl after it is born.
2. Do not get insurance.
BUT, ADAM! THAT COMPLETELY GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT IS CHRISTIAN AND PURE IN AMERICA? HOW CAN YOU GO AGAINST YEARS OF DOING WHAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE, AND NOT HAVE A BABY IN WEDLOCK ON INSURANCE? YOU'RE SUCH A CAD!
Answer:
Cost of having a baby if you're unwed without insurance: $0.
Cost of having a baby in wedlock with insurance: $3,000.*
* Side Note: If it is a boy, it is $500 out of pocket to get his little friend's hoodie snipped at the hospital. I don't know about you, but I sure as hell don't have an extra $500 laying around to be the proud owner of some used foreskin, but, you know, some people are into that, so, more power to them.
Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't get married and have children. And, I'm also not saying that you shouldn't be insured, because you need to be. But, for two young people who, well, had an accident, it is just not practical. And, that's the reality of it. Throw out religion and tradition, because it doesn't matter. What matters is having a healthy kid in this expensive world, and that doesn't mean that there isn't any family or love involved. All it means is that when it comes down to it, it is about the baby. And, I can't wait for my bastard or bitch of a child to be the happiest kid alive. Because it will be.
However, the idea that we might not qualify for Sooner Care because of Blue Cross Blue Shield, leaves me with this one thought:
"HOLY SHIT! I HAVE TO GET FOUR JOBS!?"
Yes. My mind has exploded. But, that little spawn will be worth it.
On a serious note:
This is the hardest thing that we have ever done. And, we couldn't be happier.
On a not so serious note, here is a program that stations should pick up:
Our baby might come out ugly, but at least it will be hilarious.
End blog.
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