I Don't Really Want A Bedpan....

First of all. I don't want a bedpan. Do I think it would be nice to not have to walk to the bathroom six times a night to pee? Yes. Would it make it easier for me to have a restful night's sleep? Yes. Would it be less disturbing to my precious fiance who wakes up everytime I close the bathrrom door? Yes.
After I jokingly suggested I wanted a bedpan, Adam got all crazy and started yelling "no, no, no!". I then told him about how Paul McCartney wouldn't let Heather Mills have a bedpan, instead forcing her to hop on one leg to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She has now won $50 million in their divorce settlement. I'm just saying....
AND, I'm sorry, but I don't see any difference between peeing in the shower in the morning and peeing in the shower at night. Pee is pee and a shower is a shower, no matter what time of day it is. Luckily, though, our toilet is fixed and our bathroom no longer smells like the men's bathroom at Earlywine Park. Don't ask me how I know that.

Alright, that's enough pee talk for awhile.

So, although my child's father will not allow me to keep a piss pot next to the bed, as well as criticizes me for finding alternative uses for our shower, he is still the sweetest person I know. Case in point, he bought me a gift certificate for a pregnancy massage at a spa close to our apartment. So, this morning he drove me to the spa, where I had an incredibly relaxing, one hour massage while he sat in the car, reading Rolling Stone. Afterwards we went to the pet store to buy crickets for our turtle, Lloyd. Lloyd hasn't had crickets before, and we were excited to watch him catch them and eat them. Well, I think instead of giving Lloyd a good time, we caused him to go insane. He has spent the past five hours running back a forth in his cage, banging his head against the glass and plopping himself in the middle of his water dish. I think they were acid laced crickets. We are watching him carefully.

Today is also the first day I wore maternity clothes. They arrived just in time. My mom sent me some really cute clothes from MiMi Maternity, that I received yesterday. It's very strange looking in the mirror and seeing a pregnant belly. It literally grew overnight, and it's not slowing down. Maybe, one of these days I'll be brave enough to take a belly picture and post in on here....but, um, not yet. Like Megan said, pregnant bellies freak me out.

I am officially 15 weeks today. Almost to the halfway point! I was curious as to what the baby looks like now, so I looked up pictures of 15 week old fetuses and this is what I found:




So crazy!!


By the way, last night Adam and I were leaving Trader Joe's when we passed by a Greenpeace employee holding a clipboard. He asked us if we had a few minutes to hear about Greenpeace and instead of just saying "no, thanks" as we kept walking, Adam looked the guy in the face and said "no, you dirty hippie!!!"

So, I may pee in the shower past the seemingly acceptable hour of 10 am, but at least I'm not about to bust a cap in a hippie's ass.

Rachel Wants a Bedpan Because She's Pregnant

Gun to my head, Rachel finally sat me down and made me write. I really must say that she is a lovely woman, because who else other than my almost wife could pelt me with such nuggets of hilarity that they must be put down.

Let me recap what has been going on recently, but first let me mention what I was supposed to blog about in the past two weeks.

1. We went to a wedding in Oklahoma. On the way, Rachel was sick (and I can't tell if she just had a cold or if she was really sick because she gets REALLY dramatic when she's ill* (*sidenote: please say a prayer for me when she's giving birth), we were almost late to the airport, where we literally were the last people on the plane and had to run through the airport ala 'Home Alone'. Also, when we were in Arizona she was so ill that she slumped over, face down, on the automatic walkway, and when people kept passing us, they looked at me as if I had drugged her.

But, the wedding was nice and they played Huey Lewis songs from 'Back to the Future' twice. It was a good time had by all... until that night when we watched home movies and I found out that Rachel can be kind of scary when she wants to be (not to mention that she can't get into clubs).

And, Krista and Joel were there.



We were sad to come home and resume our normal lives. Because when we came back, I had to go back to work for Disney...

2. I quit Disney. Yep. Not only did I quit Disney, I just basially stopped showing up for a week, and played hookey.



On the last day, however, I did meet Linda Cardellini from 'Freaks and Geeks' and 'ER', talked to her, and drove her car. And, yes, ladies and gentlemen, she was on her way up to John Stamos' room. That's right, as mentioned earlier, Uncle Jesse's a freak a leak.

3. I started working at Central Casting. This is a good job. I get paid well, I'm working in entertainment, there is tons of overtime, I get to go to movie sets... oh... and did I mention that I have nothing to do? Because I don't. So, I sit there for eight plus hours, not writing in the baby blog, but looking up people in our extensive database. What have I looked up, you're asking yourself? Well here are some examples:

a. The tallest people on our system.
b. People who weigh over 300 pounds.
c. People missing different limbs, who also have tattoos.
d. Weightlifting midgets.
e. Crazy people who get kicked off of sets.
f. Myself. (Yeah, I'm in the system. I'm kind of a badass like that... or maybe just a little sad.)

Oh, and the company is also run by Mormons, so, you know there are going to be some funny stories.

So, this is all that's been happening in the past couple of weeks. Which brings us up to date.

Things have been a little tense in the house lately, and on top of everything, our toilet broke. Now, this would not normally be a big deal, but the problem is, is that it took over three days to get fixed. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, they live in a two bathroom place, they'll just use the other toilet until that one gets fixed."

Well, I did. But, Rachel. Well... because of recent circumstances, Rachel is... hmm... how can I put this delicately... too proud to pee.

Now, what does 'too proud to pee mean'? It just means that instead of using the second toilet like a normal person, she used the broken toilet three times, and then commenced peeing in the shower, even when she wasn't taking a shower. That right there is pride. Never have I ever met anyone who pees in the shower without taking a shower. I am now marrying that one person. I mean, really. It makes sense if you get up in the morning, you're a little sleepy, you turn on the shower and nature takes it's course. But, it is another thing when you stop mid conversation and get up to pee in the shower, with clothes on.

That is nothing but strange to me. And, keep in mind, this is coming from the guy who peed in a kitchen trashcan and the sink (on a couple of occasions), when he was over the age of sixteen and wasn't intoxicated.

Yeah. She's a weird one.

Which brings me to the bedpan. Beginning this blog, Rachel leaned into me and said, "I need a bedpan." Her logic is that she is pregnant, which means she has to pee a lot, thus she should have the privelege usually reserved for old/overweight people, to piss in a bed, so she doesn't have to walk to the restroom. My response was simply, "No." My reasoning for that response: I will have to clean the bedpan.

God, I do love this woman of mine.

And, on that note, we will close with something to think about.



Don't J-Lo and Marc Antony's babies look like weird old men? I mean, one of them is practically bald around the top like I will soon be, and he hasn't even hit three months yet! It jsut goes to show you that fame makes babies ugly. Thus, we're not famous, so our baby will be cute.

On the other hand, it does have this for a father:



End blog.

Babel

Today is yet another day that I have off from work. Our Netflix hasn't come in yet, so I decided to watch Babel on Showtime (which we're supposed to be canceling any day now, since both Dexter and Weeds are over for the year.......). So anyways, I decided to watch Babel because I heard it was a pretty decent movie. So there I am, on the couch with my bowl of tabasco drenched popcorn and trying to figure out what a deaf Asain volleyball team has to do with Cate Blanchett getting shot, when suddenly I find myself looking directly into an Asian teenager's...um...lady parts. I didn't know they could show that in R movies!! I stopped eating my popcorn after that. Call me a prude. I don't care. It was gross.
Today is Adam's second day at Central Casting. He had a good first day, although he said there's not much for him to do there yet. So, he spent the majority of yesterday going through the agency's data base and looking at 300-400 lb people. Apparently, there are a lot of them who want to be in movies. We are both so happy that he has this job, although we're both still desperately wanting to move. I keep fantasizing about Kansas City. We're visiting there in May for a day, just so Adam can see the city and we can get an idea of the area we would like to move to in the fall. I think it will be a good move for us. The performing arts community there is excellent. Which will be good for both Adam and myself, as well as our spawn who may very well end up being the most dramatic child that ever existed. I spent most of my teenage years performing on Kansas City stages, and can't wait to get back to it. I'm definitely more of a big fish in the little pond type person. What can I say? I like attention. Gasp.
Also, my friends in Kansas City have young kids and babies, which means Gray or Sam (we find out which in four weeks!) will automatically have playmates. On top of all that, both of my sisters and Joel may be moving there. Which means I'll have my girls near me and Adam and Joel will always have someone to play video games with.

Until then, we just have to wait it out here and make the best of it. We've been trying to get out to the beach more often, now that the weather is warming up, and Dodger season starts in two weeks!!!

Alright. Sorry for the rambling. I told you, I'm not as funny. I'll try to glue Adam's fingers to the computer keyboard sometime this week, so hopefully there will be a post from him soon.

Mr. And Mrs. Boring

So, I've been telling Adam that he should update our blog since his posts are always funny. His answer to that was that our lives have been too boring to write about. Hmmm. Even though, in the past week we've been to Oklahoma City, San Diego, heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time, and Adam quit Disney. Yep. Pretty boring. Sorry.

Sicko

Being pregnant kinda sucks. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely excited to meet our baby and can't wait to be a mom, but it's the getting there part that blows. ESPECIALLY when sick. I've been sick for the past two days with a cold and bladder infection. That's right. At the same time. Isn't that great?
My day has been looking something like this:

Cough
Sneeze
Blow Nose
Bathroom
Drink Water
Blow Nose
Bathroom
Sneeze
Blow Nose
Bathroom
Bathroom
Water
Cough
Bathroom
Blow Nose
Sneeze Sneeze Sneeze Sneeze

I have gone throught an entire roll of toilet paper in one day. I just keep carrying it back and forth from the bedside table to the bathroom. It's really, really sexy.

Adam, being the wonderful boy that he is, hooked the television and dvd player up in our bedroom, so that I could watch movies in the comfy bed. That's all I've done today. We watched O Brother Where Art Thou, Raising Arizona, Fargo, and some episodes of The Riches.

Tomorrow, we are flying to Oklahoma City for my dad's wedding. Our flight is at 7:00 am. Yay. Nothing like being sick in a contained area thousands of feet in the air. Although I'm not looking forward to the flight, I am looking forward to Oklahoma. I haven't seen my family (with the exception of my Mom), since I moved out here in October. I'm antcipating a lot of food, free laundry, and Nanny's pies.

Alright, I have to go to the bathroom again. Sneeze. Cough. Sneeze.

Two Things...

One:

Adam is now working for a casting agency as a casting assistant.

Two:



BOO YAH!

End Blog.

"It's Okay... You're Smart In Other Ways." - Rachel VanWinkle (on Adam's current employment situation)

Well, ladies and gentleman, ever since we found out that there is going to be another mouth to feed, Adam had to unglue his fingers from the guitar hero guitar and find work, no matter what the cost.

So, to sum it up, Adam currently works here:



With such characters as 'Duck' and 'Girl Cat'. (see below)




Nah, I'm just joshin ya'. Adam didn't move all the way to China to work at the Beijing Shijingshan Amusement Park. But, he does work at Disneyland. That's right... friggin' Disneyland. Now, this is a really hard thing to admit because Adam is an avid Looney Toon fan, and will happily strangle 'Boy Cat' with his stinkin' red pants to defend Bugs Bunny's cross dressing on any occasion.

So, what exactly does Adam do at Disneyland, you're asking yourself? Well, basically nothing. Adam is a doorman, yet he does not open and close the hotel's doors, for they are automatic. Instead, he spends 8 and a half (a freakin' half!) hours standing in the middle of an englarged driveway, wearing a costume with too much starch that makes parts of Adam's body itch (the nether parts), while opening car doors for happy families that come to Disneyland not for employment. Oh, and I get to yell at taxis. And, um... that's about it. And, that, ladies and gentleman, is a typical day. And, I believe that Adam has never been more bored in his life.

"BUT, I'LL DO IT! FOR THE BABY!", he silently screams as his soul dies little by little at the hands of a duck without pants (until it is two and it can get it's own job).

There are, however, some perks.

Adam does see celebrities almost every weekend, which he will happily list off for you in order from most to least impressive:

1. Harrison Ford
2. Adam Sandler ( I have his Mickey Mouse balloon weight)
3. Travis Barker (keep reading for the story on this guy)
4. John Stamos (he apparently has a coke problem and has hookers delivered to his room in the middle of the night... no joke, but Uncle Jesse is kind of a pimp, or at least owes money to some)
5. LeBron James
6. Ally McBeal

He has also taken this oppertunity to test drive different cars, to see which will be appropriate for the family.

Here are the top five cars that Adam likes to drive:

1. Land/Range Rover
2. A Prius
3. The cars with cameras on the bumpers.
4. Cars that don't smell like farts.
5. The golfcart

Basically I get to spend almost one mintue in people's personal filth.

There are also bomb scares, people getting hit by cars, and yesterday Adam had to walk through a union protest to get to his car, and there is nothing scarier than the hotel union that basically doesn't speak english and is yelling at you.

But, the best part of Adam's job (other than standing for eight and a half hours cotemplating how to get workers comp by throwing himself in front of the next Escalade) is fighting, that's right, fighting with limo drivers.

Now, we come to this guy:



Mr. Travis Barker.

So, for those of you who don't know who he is, he drums for a band calld Blink 180 Suck (but, he's actually really good), had an MTV show with some former actress/bunny from 'Pacific Blue' (think Baywatch meets NYPD Blue, minus the intelligence of Baywatch), and basically does a lot of coke, rocks a mohawk, and has an impressive tattoo collection.

One piece of information to add, before we begin. Limos, nor taxis or other TCP (what does that stand for?) vehicles are allowed on the drive, but must use the drive on the outside. Thus, when Adam sees a limo (by, the way, all the cabbies know better than to get on the drive) pull onto the drive, he gets a little mad. Limo guy pulls into the drive and Adam calmly approaches the window and tells him that he can't park here and that he has to go on the other side, so says the rules. Well, Captain Asshole (yes, he really is a captain of an asshole) tells him that his client is Travis Barker. Adam tells Capt. Asshole that he still can't park here and needs to go on the other side. Capt. Asshole asks to speak to the guy in charge, where Adam replies, "I am the guy in charge, this is my drive, so back up and get in the other lane."

Score one for Adam.

Well, now, Adam thought all was well, but re-enter Capt. Asshole, now holding up, yes, let's count them, five taxis, a giant bus, and three airport shuttles, all because he's trying to park crookedly in the outer lane.

Well, Adam just can't stand for this, so he approaches the limo and asks the Captain to repark in between the vans. Capn' says that it is Adam's fault that he's holding up traffic and that he can't move.

The following dialogue actually took place:

CAPT: If I could park in the drive this wouldn't have happened.

ADAM: But, you can't park in the drive, so you have to straighten out.

CAPT: I can't move. (He says with a smile).

ADAM: Well, you're gonna have to.

CAPT: I don't like your attitude.

ADAM: Well, if Johnny Depp has to wait in the outside lane, so can your client.

CAPT: What did you say? (asked aggresively, like only a complete jackass can truly say)

ADAM: (completely stunned that this actually came out of his mouth) I said I don't give a flying f**k, now move.

CAPT: (Now, completely stunned, and even more of a jackass) WHAT?!

ADAM: I said I don't care. MOVE.

And, you know what happened next... he moved.

Score two for Adam.

And, to top it all off, after he moved, and traffic started to flow, Adam went up to Captain Asshole and gave him two thumbs up.

Homerun. Adam wins. (On another note, the bellman also lost one of Mr. Barker's bags, just making everything all the more sweeter, not that Adam doesn't like Mr. Barker, but he thinks that he should get a new driver.)

With all that being written... it really, truly, is a... terrible job. And, it all has to be done in costume. But, the kicker to this whole ordeal is that while visiting Disneyland for the first time, Goofy, the one character Adam actually enjoys, hit on his fiance while Minnie Mouse was shacked up at Goofy's house. That's right. Goofy plays the field, and pushed me out of his way, to hug his fiance, and made a wonderful trip to Disneyland incredibly awkward.



Cost of Mickey Ears: $27.
Cost of a churro: $3.
Cost of going to Disneyland for free: Dignity.

*


*Editor's note: At least it's not EuroDisney.

End blog.

I'm Bored. Some Wedding Stuff.

I know my blogs aren't as witty and bizarre as Adam's, but....I'm bored and he hasn't written on here in a long time. So there.
We were flipping through the new J. Crew catalog the other day, ( and by "we" I mean I was flipping throught the catalog and Adam was peering over my shoulder, trying to act like he wasn't interested in the pretty clothes), when we came across what we've (and by 'we" I really do mean the two of us) decided will be our wedding attire. I've been on the hunt for a new dress ever since I found out I was pregnant. The dress I have now is very form fitting and not baby bump friendly. This dress from J. Crew is perfect. It almost looks like it was made for a baby bump. Yay!! Gift cards to J. Crew for my birthday!!!

Documentary

I took part in a feature length documentary the other day. It is about Sex Ed in America. They asked if they could interview me, I'm guessing, because I've had no education on the subject. It was fun. I rambled for about twenty minutes and shared probably waaaay too much information. We'll see if I make it past the cutting room floor.
I've added it to my random resume of television and film, that I was never trying to take part in anyways:

Bibleman- Girl who is waitress in cafe and encourages young boy to do his best at the championship basketball game. Proceeds to go swing dancing.

Mike Judge Film That No One Saw- Girl who trips over her futuristic platforms and forces production to reshoot the scene

The Tyra Banks Show- Girl who can't get into the hot L.A. clubs and needs Tyra's help.

SexEd Diaries- Girl who didn't have sex until she was twenty-four and became pregnant seven months later.