Have a Happy Sandwich?

Before we begin, I would like to point out the meaning behind the title of this blog. Apparently, according to a Craft Singles ad, if you eat Craft Singles while pregnant, but only up until the month of December, when the baby bursts forth from it's mother's loins, the first sound heard will not be a blood-curling, piercing scream, but after a few shakes, it will make quite a cute little chuckle. And... because you've had all that calcium, through horribly processed and ridiculously disgusting Craft Singles (if you couldn't tell, I can't stand orange cheese), when baby comes shooting out, he will not be 'drippings with goo', but round, plump, with a great head of hair, and the demeanor of a six month old.

So, the lesson that should be learned through this ad is that I'm pumping Rachel so full of cheese that we can skip all of the unpleasantness of being a baby before the six month mark, and it can pop out and fully apreciate me...

But, I digress.

The real point of this 'literary masterpiece for the youtube generation' (mind you, I was one of the first of the 'test tube' generation) is to discuss what the parents to be want with their upcoming child.

Now, when a child is presented into this world, many parents begin to think about planning for college, will he/she/they join the soccer team, and how they can't wait to raise a baby as if it were a more active and responsive version of their favorite dog. For me, this is not the case. Because to me, raising a child is all about creating a partner in crime.

Confused? Here are some child rearing examples that have recently sprung to my mind:

My spawn will be a member of the KISS Army. Granted, I'm not a member of the KISS Army, but this will be a bonding experience between father and spawn that only the likes of Gene Simmons and Peter Criss can accurately bring to a developing relationship. Plus, you tell me what child does not LOVE facepaint?

I will teach spawn the proper way to be a fall guy/sidekick. Think a fantastic Robin to the great Batman, or, more accurately, a Dwight Schrute to my Michael Scott. For example: Dad (the ultimate pants wearer (but, only in his own head... Mom does edit this blog)) decides that a waterballoon fight in the house is more than a great idea, it is downright awesome. But, after the war fantasy dies down in daddy's head, and daddy looks up at the water stained walls, good parenting must be in order. Thus, daddy will convince spawn that if spawn tells mommy that spawn was throwing waterballoons at imaginary nazis because he wants to bring order to the Third Reich while daddy was working on his taxes in the other room, spawn will receive $20 to do what ever spawn wants. Thus, spawn learns that teamwork gets him ahead in life and mommy will be impressed with the accurate knowledge of history expressed in it's fantasies. And, Daddy will be on Mommie's good side, because he will be 'finacially responsible' and 'behaving like a responsible father'. Plus, Daddy will be able to step in during mom's tirade and say, 'Let me handle this', all the while, pulling spawn into the other room and teaching it another valuable lesson: the lesson of 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge', where dad pretends to be angry, all the while we're really cursing at the television and enjoying a rousing game of Super Mario Brothers.

Spawn is going to be hilarious. Why is spawn going to be hilarious, you might be asking yourself? Well, because Dad is a comic genius, that's why. Also, spawn will be exposed to the greats, such as, Woody Allen, Bill Murray, and Steve Martin (both in the form of the actor/writer/comic and grandfather), and later in life, Chris Rock. But, don't get all up in a fuss, I'll wait until they're seven before they watch any of that.

Spawn will participate in scaring mommy, thus developing their imagination to 'think outside the box'. This example extends from Daddy teaching spawn ways to freak Mommy out, wheter it is faking dead, or merely faking sick, all the while contributing to their creative spirit and teaching them how to be an award winning actor. Plus, Mommy will think that it is creepy, thus she will need to be comforted by Daddy, thus going back to the important role of fall guy/sidekick.

All in all, our child is going to be pretty freakin' amazing. And, if not... well... there's always the second one.

End blog.