The Kid Stays In The Picture

We had our very first ultrasound on Thursday!! The day started off very uncertain, but ended on a note of huge relief (in more ways than one.) Here's the story:

We had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. During the visit, the doctor brought out a Doppler to listen to the baby's hearbeat. I was so excited to hear the heartbeat, that I didn't mind the fact I was lying on the cold table completely naked, save for a few pieces of strategically placed paper. After about five minutes of the doctor moving the wand type thing over my abdomen, she decided to give up. "Well, it looks like we won't be hearing a heartbeat today," she said. I was confused, because I thought that at ten weeks you were able to hear the heartbeat, and I was well over ten weeks. I asked her if it was anything to be concerned about, and she said "not necessarily."
I proceeded to change back into my clothes while she stepped out of the room. When she came back, she handed me a piece of paper saying that an ultrasound was being requested. I asked why, and she told me that she was concerned she hadn't heard a heartbeat and I needed to make sure everything was okay asap. I started silently freaking out. I told her that I hadn't shown any signs of a miscarriage, but apparently that doesn't mean I hadn't had one. I told her I would call the hospital as soon as I left, and thanked her, trying to make my way out of the room before I started crying. We made our appointment for Thursday afternoon, which essentially meant we were both nervous wrecks for two days.
Now, no one told me how miserable I would be the day of my ultrasound. When I made my appointment, the man on the phone told me I would need to drink 32 oz of water an hour before my appointment, and that I couldn't go to the bathroom until my ultrasound was over. Hahahahahaha. So, on the way to the hospital I chugged a liter of Fiji. As soon as we got there I had to pee, but I figured it would be alright. It was 1:30 and my appointment was at 1:45. I could last fifteen minutes, but fifteen minutes it was not.
At around 2:00, I started losing it. I was rocking back and forth in my chair, squeezing Adam's hand. I had the worst pain in my abdomen. "I have to pee RIGHT NOW," I told Adam. He told me I was being dramatic, and then quickly followed it with "I love you," after he realized he wanted to live to see his 25th birthday. I ran up to the front desk and said to the clerk "I am in a lot of pain, is there anyway I can go to the bathroom? I know I'm not supposed to, but can we bend the rules?" The clerk told me I'm really not supposed to, because without a full bladder, the ultrasound wouldn't work. The she saw the pathetic look on my face and told me I could go A LITTLE bit. Just enough to relieve the pressure.
"THANK YOU!!" I exclaimed, as I bolted towards the bathroom door. It didn't work. Five minutes later, I was right back to where I started. I started declaring that I was in fact dying and would, in fact, pee my pants at any second. I swear I saw Adam mouth the words "I'm sorry," to the other patients sitting in the waiting room. At about 2:10, I raced up to the front desk. I was crying at this point. "I'm sorry to bother you again," I said frantically, "but do you know how much longer it's going to be, because I'm dying over here." The clerk called someone on the phone and when she hung up she told me it would be at least another twenty minutes. OH MY GOD!!
She allowed me to go to the bathroom once again (just a little), but after that I had to drink more water. This didn't do anything to help, but I appreciated her kindess and the fact that she didn't call security on me. Finally, at around 2:45, the ultrasound technician came to get me. Adam and I follwed her into a dark room with a bed for me to lay on. At this point, I had to pee so bad, that I wasn't even thinking of the fact that we might not see a baby on there. Which, maybe was a good thing. I layed on the table and started groaning and not laying still. My abdomen was hurting and my kidneys were killing me. The technician rubbed jelly on me, turned on the machine and after an image of my insides popped up, said "Oh my God, your bladder is huge! No wonder you're in so much pain. Go to the bathroom! Go, go!!" I shot Adam the" I Told You So" of I" Told You So "looks, and bolted, once again, to that sweet, sweet white porcelain goddess of relief.
Five minutes later, I layed back on the table and we were ready to proceed. She rubbed more jelly on me and started moving the wand around. At first, I couldn't see anything. Only my bladder and uterus. I was really scared that the baby was gone. Then, the technician clicked a button that zoomed in on the image. "There's your baby," she said. I couldn't believe my eyes. There on the screen was the cutest little fetus I've ever seen. We could see the heart beating and it kept hopping up and down, and bopping its head. The technician explained to us that we had a very active baby and that's why the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. Even she couldn't get the baby to sit still long enough to hear it, and she could see it on a monitor! "This baby is going to be kicking you a lot," she told me, with a sympathetic smile. Great.
I asked her over and over and over again if everything looked okay. She told me it did. So I zipped up my pants, hopped off the table, and she printed us out a picture of our baby, whom we nicknamed Thumper. After one more trip to the bathroom, we were ready to leave the hospital. The three of us. I had the proof in my hand. The kid is staying in the picture.

I Missed The Academy Awards For The First Time In My Life

For the first time since I was born, I have missed my favorite event of the year. Lately, it's become more of a nostalgic thing, but I love it still. My mom was in labor with me during the Academy Awards in 1983 (yes, they used to be in April.). When I was younger I always took it as a sign that I was meant to be a star. Cut, to 20 some years later and instead of attending the awards, I'm catching quick glances of it on the television in the bar of the seafood restaurant I am a waitress at.
Suddenly, the goals I had for myself are becoming the goals I have for my child. It's strange how the tables can turn so suddenly. I am a mom now. That is my job. I can no longer move from city to city, apartment to apartment, and job to job. I have to be....cringe...responsible. For example, I detest my job. I was working a dinner shift tonight, when one of the managers saw me try and cover a yawn with my mouth. She walked over to me and snapped her fingers in my face. "Wake up!" she barked " there's no reason for you to be tired!".
I wanted to yell back at her, "Actually, there is...I was up all night traveling to the bathroom because the 3 month old fetus inside of me is continously pressing on my bladder....and I had to walk a mile and a half from my car to here, hoping i wouldn't get shot by The Latin Kings, because I can't afford to pay $12 a day to park next door....and I don't have the luxury of being continously hopped up on Red Bull and Diet Coke, like you do."
Then, in my life before baby, I would have thrown my apron on the ground and stormed out, getting home just in time to watch Glen Hansaard win Best Original Song and eat some sopapilla cheesecake on the couch with Adam. Instead, I had to bite my tongue and nod. After all, Table 124 still needed their Hot Seafood Combo Platter. "I'm doing this for the baby" is what I repeated over and over in my head for the rest of the evening.

...hmmm...on a happier note.....We're going to the doctor on Tuesday, when we will hopefully hear the baby's heart beat for the first time!! I can't believe I'm done with the first trimester. I look down at my stomach everyday, to see how big it's gotten. So far, I can still button my pants. They're not as comfortable as they once were, but they fit, nonetheless.

I should go to bed now. I've been out here on the couch for the past two hours, because Adam has a cold (bless his heart) ,and when Adam has a cold, it means nonstop snoring. So right now, between the baby squirming inside of me and the fiance snoring beside me, it looks like I will not be getting any sleep tonight.....and you know what? I couldn't be happier.

Have a Happy Sandwich?

Before we begin, I would like to point out the meaning behind the title of this blog. Apparently, according to a Craft Singles ad, if you eat Craft Singles while pregnant, but only up until the month of December, when the baby bursts forth from it's mother's loins, the first sound heard will not be a blood-curling, piercing scream, but after a few shakes, it will make quite a cute little chuckle. And... because you've had all that calcium, through horribly processed and ridiculously disgusting Craft Singles (if you couldn't tell, I can't stand orange cheese), when baby comes shooting out, he will not be 'drippings with goo', but round, plump, with a great head of hair, and the demeanor of a six month old.

So, the lesson that should be learned through this ad is that I'm pumping Rachel so full of cheese that we can skip all of the unpleasantness of being a baby before the six month mark, and it can pop out and fully apreciate me...

But, I digress.

The real point of this 'literary masterpiece for the youtube generation' (mind you, I was one of the first of the 'test tube' generation) is to discuss what the parents to be want with their upcoming child.

Now, when a child is presented into this world, many parents begin to think about planning for college, will he/she/they join the soccer team, and how they can't wait to raise a baby as if it were a more active and responsive version of their favorite dog. For me, this is not the case. Because to me, raising a child is all about creating a partner in crime.

Confused? Here are some child rearing examples that have recently sprung to my mind:

My spawn will be a member of the KISS Army. Granted, I'm not a member of the KISS Army, but this will be a bonding experience between father and spawn that only the likes of Gene Simmons and Peter Criss can accurately bring to a developing relationship. Plus, you tell me what child does not LOVE facepaint?

I will teach spawn the proper way to be a fall guy/sidekick. Think a fantastic Robin to the great Batman, or, more accurately, a Dwight Schrute to my Michael Scott. For example: Dad (the ultimate pants wearer (but, only in his own head... Mom does edit this blog)) decides that a waterballoon fight in the house is more than a great idea, it is downright awesome. But, after the war fantasy dies down in daddy's head, and daddy looks up at the water stained walls, good parenting must be in order. Thus, daddy will convince spawn that if spawn tells mommy that spawn was throwing waterballoons at imaginary nazis because he wants to bring order to the Third Reich while daddy was working on his taxes in the other room, spawn will receive $20 to do what ever spawn wants. Thus, spawn learns that teamwork gets him ahead in life and mommy will be impressed with the accurate knowledge of history expressed in it's fantasies. And, Daddy will be on Mommie's good side, because he will be 'finacially responsible' and 'behaving like a responsible father'. Plus, Daddy will be able to step in during mom's tirade and say, 'Let me handle this', all the while, pulling spawn into the other room and teaching it another valuable lesson: the lesson of 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge', where dad pretends to be angry, all the while we're really cursing at the television and enjoying a rousing game of Super Mario Brothers.

Spawn is going to be hilarious. Why is spawn going to be hilarious, you might be asking yourself? Well, because Dad is a comic genius, that's why. Also, spawn will be exposed to the greats, such as, Woody Allen, Bill Murray, and Steve Martin (both in the form of the actor/writer/comic and grandfather), and later in life, Chris Rock. But, don't get all up in a fuss, I'll wait until they're seven before they watch any of that.

Spawn will participate in scaring mommy, thus developing their imagination to 'think outside the box'. This example extends from Daddy teaching spawn ways to freak Mommy out, wheter it is faking dead, or merely faking sick, all the while contributing to their creative spirit and teaching them how to be an award winning actor. Plus, Mommy will think that it is creepy, thus she will need to be comforted by Daddy, thus going back to the important role of fall guy/sidekick.

All in all, our child is going to be pretty freakin' amazing. And, if not... well... there's always the second one.

End blog.

Good..no...GREAT News!!!!!

Adam was just offered a casting assistant position with Central Casting in Burbank, CA!! Central Casting is the country's oldest and most reputable casting agency. They cast extras for 96% of all television shows (including Dexter and Pushing Daisies!!). This job offer came out of the blue, and I couldn't be more proud of Adam. He's been working his behind off at Disneyland as a door man just so we could make ends meet.
Now, I KNOW our child is going to be in the entertainment industry. Daddy is going to be a casting director and Mommy is going to be the ultimate stage mom. Our kid is going to blow audiences away at the age of eight with their breakout role opposite John Cusack in a heartwarming film. They will have continued success for the next four years and the disappear from the public eye, only to resurface a few years later when magazines report that "the cute kid from that John Cusack film" has been pulled over for a D.U.I.
Hooray for Hollywood!



p.s.) i am still a pregnant waitress.

Our First Baby or HOLY SHIT!

Hello world, we're pregnant.

So, here are some facts:

1) The fetal creature was conceived sometime around Christmas. Happy Holidays.
2) About a month later, we found out that we (mainly she) was pregnant.
3) MediCal is basically the equivalent of having your baby in France, or to a lesser extent, Canada, where everything is free and people actually support the idea of babies.
4) Baby boy or girl, or both (combined, like a parasitic twin, or separate, like a much happier twin) will be arriving on September 18.
5) Contrary to popular belief, shotgun weddings are all the rage.
6) The human head weighs eight pounds. (This fact is included because we have decided, mainly he, that the child is going to be forced into the entertainment industry, whether they like it or not, and will turn out to be very cute, if only for a short while, like that kid from 'Jerry Maquire'. They will say cute things and do tricks, not unlike a dog, or a magician.) *Sidenote: It will DEFINITELY be in the entertainment industry if it is a parasitic twin.*

With all of the above facts, we should mention more.

Rachel's cravings have been:

1) Sandwiches with Sunchips.
2) Chili.
3) Grilled cheese and jelly.
4) Pasta.
5) Breakfast burritos.
6) Subway (If you consider a wheat sub sandwich with only lettuce, cheese, and vinegar a sandwich. Many cultures don't, including the culture of Subway and Adam.)
7) Ice cream.
8) Bean burritos.
9) Arby's.
*Editor's note: Rachel doesn't like vegetables. For further information, refer to number 6.*

Adam's cravings have been:
1) Sleep.
2) Money.

Also, as of recently, we have found reality television to be relevant.

Shows that have been inspiring to us:

1) My Fair Brady.
This is Rachel's pick. We figure if Peter Brady and the lesbian can have a baby, or even think about having a baby, so can we.

2) Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant.
This is Adam's pick. Not really being a fan of 'Scott Baio is 46 and Single', because Adam was neither, the show didn't stick. But, now that he is getting married and having a baby, regardless that he's 46, Adam has taken a shining to Chachi and found a kindred spirit in his insufferable, yet touching, antics. But, he was mainly taken with this show because of the episode where they buy the house, and Chachi went from room to room yelling to see if his fiance could hear him, and when she couldn't, it was big enough to buy.

3) Rock of Love 2.
Bret Michaels is always relevant, with his pole theories, musings, and sexy shenanigans.
*Editor's note: This, naturally, is Rachel's pick.*

Now, for the part you've all been waiting for... BABY NAMES!

Rachel's Picks:

Girls:
Ramona Gray Martin
Ramona Plum Martin
Ramona Belle Martin

Boys:
Edmund Samuel Martin
Edmund Milo Martin


Adam's Picks:

Girls:
Edmundina Adamina Martin
Lady Adam of the Willows
Clementine Martin

Boys:
Edmund Adam Martin Jr.
Johnny Killstrong
Slit Face Jr.


With all that is going on, Rachel and Adam are really excited and can't wait to bring a new face (possibly faces) into this world. And, when thinking about a new face, one can't help but wonder what the new fetal creature might look like. That's why, to conclude this entry, Adam and Rachel have used science to help describe the new features (kind of like a car) that the baby is going to have.

According to science, the baby will have:

1) A giant head.
2) Long limbs.
3) Small hands.
4) Large eyes.
5) Possibly horselike teeth.
6) Hair on only half of it's chest.
7) A great singing voice.
8) A flair for the dramatic.
9) A big mouth.
10) An athletic and shapely bum.

To help illustrate this, science has compiled a picture of the parents to create an exact image of what the new fetal creature will look like:



With this exciting prospect, the world will be a much happier place, and Adam and Rachel, as new parents, are eagerly waiting with great anticipation.

End Blog.